I feel alone with this. Lyle is off in Florida somewhere driving his brand new bus, Tampa I think. My youngest brother Nate is off to New Haven where he hangs out with his Yale buddies who call themselves Christians but don’t even go to church.
What did I do last night? I attempted to infiltrate an Amish/Mennonite talk group. I don’t know if they will let me in. They are probably pouring over my application right now. If they let me in I promise to keep my mouth shut for at least a week. They have 654 members with a 22 email per day average over the last 5 years.
The group has a Bible verse at the top of their web site. Romans 12:2 “And be not conformed to the world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”
Why do I put myself through this? If God has prepared a hellish place for me I would prefer it to joining this talk group but there I went ahead and did it.
Oh well, they probably won’t let me in anyway. I did have to answer the questions listed below in order for them to process my application for admittance to the group. I feel slightly guilty about some of my answers to their questions.
Question #1: What is your name? (first name is fine): Brian
No guilt with that answer. Christner is a comfortable Amish/Mennonite name. I probably should have used my last name to help me get in.
Question #2: What is your age range?: 36-50
That is true. I don’t feel that old. I still feel like a kid every day.
Question #3: Are you married? Single? Widowed? Divorced? Married
Yes. Yes. Yes. That is the best thing I ever did.
Question #4: Do you have children? Yes, 3 teenagers
No guilt with that answer. That is the second best thing I ever did.
Question #5: Are you a born again Christian? Yes
Now there is the loaded question. I do feel some guilt about my answer. I’m not sure whether I lied with my answer or not. It’s a one word answer. If it is a lie I certainly did not embellish the lie. I could ask Nate, Lyle, or even Jim to testify for me before the group. Would that work to get me in? (To the group I mean) I’m not ready for heaven yet. Those friends have always been way too accepting of me as I am. Some people say that Jesus also accepts people as they are. I know I don’t, I wish I could. I guess I don’t have to decide right here, (in this blog) if I committed perjury since I am not under oath. I’m probably not a very good judge anyway. We’ll have to just wait and see what happens if my case ever comes up before a real judge.
Question #6: Do you attend church (or a home church)? Yes
Oops. I do feel guilty now. Although I did attend two weeks ago. And I do go every Friday morning. I hope that counts.
Question #7: What denomination currently expresses your current beliefs? Mennonite
Now I am quite sure that I answered question #7 truthfully. I have been trying to shake those beliefs my whole life, even the ones I am still not aware of. Poison doesn’t usually kill a person… just makes them feel awfully sick.
Angry? No I’m not angry.
This post is going south quickly. I can’t wait until spring. Actually March 13th is the first day of spring in my mind; only 37 days away. This year the 13th comes on a Friday. I take pictures every year of daffodils on March 13th. Here is one from March 13th 2008.
Here is a picture of Alisha playing basketball.
These pictures sure save me a lot in therapy bills.
I am crazy curious what group that you are talking about.
ReplyDeleteFirst Paragraph... Would you mind explaining your definition of religion and addiction independantly of each other?
ReplyDeleteThanks,
N
I would love a schedule of your children's sports activities
ReplyDeleteHow the hell can you say your a Christian and yet say that your an agnostic? Your so full of shit! You even go so far as to say that your a Mennonite! What the hell! You pray and thank God for the beauty of the flowers. Agnostic? Who are you fooling?
ReplyDeleteDo you know that your so messed up? Here's some free advise from one that loves you. You want what you had as a child; yet you've been hurt. You need to put the hurt to rest but not til you've delt with it. We can not help that God's children have hurt us. It is our response that we have to give an account for.
I have been hurt by the Mennonites too and take great pleasure in letting people know that I am not affiliated with a Mennonite church any longer. Yet there is something that happens when I see Mennonites on my travels. Just last night I was in Kansas City, Ks, with Valpo Univ. Chorale, when much to my surprise, out in the foraye were about 24 Mennonites. They were from Hutch. Ks. They came to hear the Chorale because the one guy, who has long hair and in a ponytail, was thier son, cousin and friend. I went over to them and played the Mennonite game trying to figure out were we all fit in. I felt embarrassed because I was wearing a necklace.
Anyway, like you told me I don't need to go to a church building on Sunday mornings but have church with guys that you meet with on Friday mornings and this new group.
You know what? Your true innerself comes out in the questions you answered and then the times that we would sit in the hot tub Thursday nights, which I sorely miss, and sing hymns. What was the one hymn we would always start out with? "O Lord with in my soul I long for purity, to be complete and whole alone through Thee. There is no other hope There is no other plea, Salvation full Salvation free Must come alone through Thee." This is a hearfelt cry from the deepest depths of the soul. I truely believe that this is what it is for you. You are self sufficient and there really is no need for you to need God in your life. And you really don't! Got it! You really do not need God in your life for anything. As far as everyday living you are self reliant. If there is a mistake made, screw it. It was a choice you made and so you just go on. There is however one area that you do need Him. You need His blood to cover you. Without that you will never get to Heaven. So that said don't go to a Mennonite church. Your better off.
Anyway my two cents worth and I'm sure I'll hear about it but thats OK with me. That is what makes our friendship grow is we talk freely and accept each other for where we are in life.
LOVE YA MAN!!!!
Lyle
Whew... Lyle... that's quite a comment. Why don't you start a blog :-) Thanks for calling me out. I'll be the first one to recognize that a lot of what I say does not make sense and even contradicts itself. I know I need God... if he exists. Although I will admit that I have lost any desire to go to heaven... at least in the way I have envisioned it, where there is one guy in charge and we all sing praises to him. I do know something that I want though... that is to go back to a place before all this shit happened. I think that is why I am writing all these stories. I'm trying to get back. I think that you Christians call it redemption. I think I will get there and you are one of the people helping me go back. I think Jesus will help me to. Just don't use those religous words on me or I might lose the desire to keep on the path :-))
ReplyDeleteI don't want you to feel like I am shoving God down your throat. I do, however, want you to see there is almost like voices in your head that keep you confused. If there were a way to help to be able to get to one voice I would do whatever it took. Or could it be that you are so independent that you don't want to give in and live a life that is fullfilling and great, for God. I am not talking to about the God that you have in childhood mind. Let Him be God to you as you are today. Don't put Him in a box. You are always so analitical. Just be you and let God be God. Let Him reveal Himself to you as He wants to and as you let Him.
ReplyDeleteYou know that when His people turned their back on me when I needed them the most, I was angry, hurt and scared. Yet when I went to the church I go to now I told Him "Ok God, this is your last chance. If my life does not change in the next year I will walk out of these doors and NEVER serve you again a day in my life!" I was so to the end of myself and God knew and He met me where I was. I don't get it right all the time and He does not ask me to be perfect. He knows my heart. He knows yours. Just let Him show himself to you and you will find that He is not at all the same God you thought He was. Your are basing your idea of God based upon your parents. He is so much more.
Enough of that.
On to christians. I want you to know that I am not a christian. I don't even want people to look at me and think I am a christian. I want people to look at me and remember me as a person that loved the Lord with all my heart even though I did and do not always get it right. Being a christian is nothing more then a label. I think that you will enjoy this bit of info.
Love ya man and am willing to talk the raod with you.
Lyle